Greetings and salutations, I hope this Christmas season finds you well. What a crazy year it has been. In the course of one year, I have found myself not only travelling abroad but also studying a second language. It's been pretty hectic if I do say so myself. But, unfortunately, my attention to this blog of mine has fallen by the wayside. I just haven't had the time to write for it. But that doesn't mean I have stopped watching films. Far from it in fact.
I have seen a ton of films this year. Some good and some downright terrible. Seeing as we haven't quite reached the cut-off date for the "best of" list then let's start this celebration by naming and shaming the absolute stinkers of 2014. Without further ado, here are ten of the absolute worst films I saw in 2014. Hold onto your butts, it's going to be a screamer.
10.) FAT PIZZA VS. HOUSOS
"Full disclosure: I have not seen Fat Pizza vs. Housos. Nor do I plan to anytime soon. But by taking just one look at the trailer I can very much guarantee that it belongs on this list. I recently wrote out an admittedly too long post recalling my horrible experience of attending the Housos vs. Authority premiere back in 2012. For those interested, you can read it here. The TL: DR version of that post is simply this, Paul Fenech is exploiting the very same audience that he is making fun off.
The man has made a career out of recycling the same old tired stereotypes, scenarios and jokes and laughed in all our faces whilst running to the bank for doing the bare minimum. He is essentially the Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer of Australian cinema. Or to sum it up in five words. Paul Fenech is creatively bankrupt. By principle alone, Fat Pizza vs. Housos belongs on this list."
9.) A MILLION WAYS TO DIE IN THE WEST
"It would seem that Seth McFarlane was attempting to make a modern day Blazing Saddles. To be perfectly blunt, he failed miserably in his attempt. A Million Ways to Die in the West is the perfect showcase for all of McFarlane's worst traits. Terribly bloated, unfocused, far too scattershot for its own good and altogether just downright howlingly unfunny. It serves as nothing more than a sharp reminder of McFarlane's own increasing irrelevance."
8.) I, FRANKENSTEIN
"From the Producers of Underworld" ...well that says it all now doesn't it? No, really. Enough said. Mary Shelly would be rolling over in her grave at the thought of what has become of her classic creation, rest her soul. How about this, can we please get a real Frankenstein movie instead of this sophomoric nonsense? Please? Pretty, please?"
7.) SEX TAPE
"Marred by an exceedingly dumb premise that is too difficult to buy into, Sex Tape is the type of film that looks like the cast and crew had more fun making it than I did watching it. As it stands, Sex Tape is a middling of the road R-Rated comedy that can't decide if it wants to be a racy screwball comedy or a serious dramedy. As is, it doesn't work as either. Despite a couple of odd chuckles here and there, it's ultimately just a forgettable pandering piece of tripe. A real shame too, considering the ensemble of likeable talent in front of and behind the camera."
"Incredibly derivative of almost every horror movie from the past twenty or thirty years, Annabelle offers nothing new. It's a standard run of the mill haunted house film that we have seen rehashed again and again for the past few years. Littered with the same old predictable jump scares and boring lifeless characters for whom one simply can not give a damn about. Annabelle goes through all the same old tired motions and provides nothing of interest in return. 12-year-old kids may be scared of this claptrap nonsense; the rest of us not so much."
"Remove the satire, remove the over the top violence, remove any intelligence found in the original Paul Verhoeven film and what remains? A bland, insipid and homogenised PG-13 cookie-cutter Sci-Fi action film that takes itself way too seriously and is ultimately entirely forgettable. If there is one positive to be said about it? It's not the worst remake to come from a Paul Verhoeven film. That honour still belongs to Total Recall. But still, it doesn't say much that this limp 2014 retelling of Robocop is closely chomping at its heels."
4.) BAD NEIGHBOURS
"Let me ask a question. What is the point of a comedy? The answer is quite simple; to make people laugh. So tell me something, why didn't I laugh at Bad Neighbours? Why did I find Seth Rogen and Zac Efron's antics just downright insufferable? Why was I gritting my teeth? Why was I banging my head against the headrest of my seat? Why was I in complete agony for the 90 minutes that I had to sit through this? It's not that I hate Seth Rogen, in fact, I've liked Seth Rogen in the past and found him amusing at times. So what was it that made Bad Neighbours so excruciatingly awful to me? I think it simply boils down to the fact that I found these characters to be completely insufferable and idiotic, not in a good way."
3.) OLD BOY
"Oldboy was simply not a good fit for Spike Lee to remake. He attempts to recreate numerous iconic scenes, stand out scenes such as the corridor hammer fight, whilst putting a minor spin on them. Unfortunately, it screams of going through the motions in lieu of a paycheck. The lack of grandeur hurts proceedings. Any sense of creeping dread or tension lost in the process.
The mystery never takes off or engages. The final revelatory moments are relegated to a goofy punchline as opposed to a visceral gut-punch. The very ending goes out with a whimper as opposed to a bang. This version of Oldboy is far too hollow for its own good. Steer clear and check out the superior 2003 Korean film instead."
"Think The Lawnmower Man, only remove everything entertaining about that film and replace it with a dull, dreary tone that aspires grander thoughts than what it actually offers. Transcendence is a turgid, lifeless bore of a film that doesn't offer anything insightful about its subject matter because it's so single-mindedly stupid about it. Skip it, at all costs. Just go and re-watch The Lawnmower Man instead. It's far more entertaining as a whole."
"What the hell happened to Kevin Smith? Ever since the abysmal Cop Out its all been downhill for Kevin Smith. I didn't think it could get any worse for Kevin Smith, but I couldn't be more wrong. Turns it can get worse, and it got worse in the form of a human walrus. Sadly Tusk adds up to being its own mangled grotesque monster of a film. Just begging to be put out of its misery. Kind of fitting to some degree."